Would you love me if my name was "Vaginal Ooze"? ([info]queenkatieett) wrote,
2006-07-13 09:29:00

My co-worker Keri was explaining the finer points of Brooklyn to me as we hid between two tall bookshelves in the kids department of the store on Saturday morning when this 30-something guy in a black t-shirt and stylishly unkempt hair wandered past us, obviously lost. I said hey to him in a way that was supposed to let him know, "I'm friendly, but I've got my eye on you, Potential Child Molester." He said, "Hey!" and kept walking, but he made his way back to us a minute later and said, "I'm an author, and I'd like to sign a couple copies of my book." I said, "Oh, yeah? What's your name?", and he said, "Frank Portman." And that's when Saturday became the best day of my bookstore career.

Better than the day I met Carson from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy". Better than when I watched Colin Farrell discover that the bathroom was locked for cleaning. Better than when I helped one of the Olsen twins. Better, even, than when Michael Stipe looked at me over a table of photography books.

"I am so glad to meet you," I said, and led him over to the teen new release table where we had a stack of his book. It just so happened that I read King Dork a couple of weeks ago after grown men and women kept coming in and being surprised that this book that the Times gave such a great review wasn't written for adults at all. It turned out to be this totally clever, totally well-written story about a geek high school kid who sits around thinking up names for his nonexistent band and fixating on touching boobs. Just like me.

As I grabbed the stack for him, I said, "I want you to rewrite this book and leave out the plot." He asked, "You didn't like my plot?", and I said, "No, I loved the plot, but it totally didn't need one. Your characters were so great that they didn't need to be doing anything for me to like them." He said that there was actually a lot of talk about that at his publishing house. He also told me that I'm the first bookstore employee he's talked to who's actually read the book, which was of course completely awesome for me.

I told him, "I'm just so happy that you wrote a teen book that's smart enough for adults," and he said that his publisher wanted him to dumb it down, but he couldn't do it. I told him that I'm constantly making up band names despite the fact that I can't play a single chord, and he said, "I think that's the shared American youth experience."

I wanted to mention his band, The Mr. T Experience, but the truth is that I just don't listen to punk music, so I didn't bother trying to fake it. At the end of our conversation, he shook my hand and said, "Thanks for talking about this with me, Katie." He looked down at the nametag hanging from a lanyard on my neck and asked, "Katie, right?" I turned my nametag to the other side where I'd pasted the word docile cut out from the word-a-day calendar on our information desk, and he said, "You look like a Docile."

And that is why I live in New York.

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  • 30 comments

[info]frozenrhino

July 13 2006, 13:36:44 UTC 5 years ago

This is why you are never leaving NYC.

[info]queenkatieett

July 13 2006, 16:07:42 UTC 5 years ago

I don't know, man. If I don't make a trillion dollars off of my first book, I don't want to be one of those hunched-back old women taking 15 years on the subway stairs.

[info]stormodacentury

July 13 2006, 13:58:52 UTC 5 years ago

I had some beers with him when MTX played here a couple of years ago.


One of the best punk shows I've ever seen. He is a really really fantastic songwriter. Even if you don't listen to punk, you'd dig it - lots of semi-obscure literary references mixed with angst and relationship stuff.


Did you get to stick your head out the door last evening?

[info]queenkatieett

July 13 2006, 16:16:00 UTC 5 years ago

I hope you're not even trying to suggest that your beers compare to my intimate connection. That's still really cool, though.

And DAMMIT! I forgot all about last night. How is it possible that that can only happen for one night?

[info]stormodacentury

July 13 2006, 17:34:38 UTC 5 years ago

Maybe not my beers, but the conversation over said beers? Perhaps.

Ok, there was nothing particularly intimate about it. But he was a very cool guy to talk with.

If you'd read the quip at the bottom of that site, you'd see that it happens twice a year, on May 28 and July 12. Kind of like how when it was built, Stonehenge lined up with the sun on the equinoxes.

Open your eyes, Ett. Jeez.

[info]queenkatieett

July 13 2006, 19:41:04 UTC 5 years ago

It's pretty hot when you belittle me.

But by "for one night", I meant "for one night in a row". Meaning that it seems like it should at least happen on July 11th, 12th, and 13th. For my sake.

[info]stormodacentury

July 13 2006, 20:29:34 UTC 5 years ago

Yeah, I know. I don't do it solely for my own edification.

Aha. Well, I would assume it'll be still down the street - just not lined up like that. I'm actually really tempted to be there for it next year.

[info]stormodacentury

July 13 2006, 17:46:09 UTC 5 years ago

Also

[info]kindregards

July 13 2006, 14:11:02 UTC 5 years ago

Oh My Goodness Katie, I SO WANT TO BE YOU!

You are the coolest person I don't really know!

[info]queenkatieett

July 13 2006, 16:24:34 UTC 5 years ago

I see that you feel the need to differentiate between me, a person you don't know, and other people you do.

Insinuating that there's someone you actually do know who's cooler than I am.

And that hurts.

[info]gooroo

July 13 2006, 20:57:03 UTC 5 years ago

You are such a buttwad. She was so sweet to you and now she's never going to comment to you again. And you WILL come back to Ohio, young lady.

[info]kindregards

July 14 2006, 03:23:28 UTC 5 years ago

Yes, I've locked myself in a room and am now crying myself to sleep, cut to the core.

I am now going to find someone else to want to be.

[info]spaghedeity

July 14 2006, 05:14:32 UTC 5 years ago

I'm open for your wanton affection.

[info]kindregards

5 years ago

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[info]gooroo

July 14 2006, 10:22:16 UTC 5 years ago

There was an old hermit named Dave. How about him?

[info]kindregards

5 years ago

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[info]gooroo

5 years ago

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[info]kindregards

5 years ago

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[info]gooroo

5 years ago

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[info]suzified

July 13 2006, 15:56:02 UTC 5 years ago

Well. Now I officially hate you.

I will console myself with the memory of eating a bagel with him at Bernie's Deli when I arrived hours early for the MTX show.



[info]mjl2003

July 13 2006, 17:09:11 UTC 5 years ago

and he really is a doctor (he has a ph.d in chemistry, I believe). if you lived in berkeley, you could run into him all the time :) I still need to read the book.

and I think you'd like MTX as well - in small doses.

[info]bloobirdie

July 13 2006, 17:36:23 UTC 5 years ago

Better than when I watched Colin Farrell discover that the bathroom was locked for cleaning.

Everything about this entry was interesting, but the imagery conjured by this is just priceless.

[info]corks1181

July 13 2006, 18:07:55 UTC 5 years ago

I think this makes YOU famous now.

Did you CARD HIM?!?!?!?

http://www.doktorfrank.com

->blog
->meat the author

[info]queenkatieett

July 13 2006, 19:10:03 UTC 5 years ago

Re: I think this makes YOU famous now.

Oh, man, I only WISH that was me.

And now I totally want to go around signing other people's books just for kicks.

Anonymous

July 13 2006, 18:15:19 UTC 5 years ago

There are time for quoting monty Python...

Why, I thought, do you feel the need to try and impersonate Jimmy Buffett and wear shorts and sandals with black socks and eat tofu loaf on Thanksgiving? Some questions have no answers!

[info]queenkatieett

July 21 2006, 13:39:13 UTC 5 years ago

Re: There are time for quoting monty Python...

You don't frighten me, English pig-dog.

[info]saraide

July 13 2006, 19:08:45 UTC 5 years ago

That does not suck at all. :)

[info]caropal

July 13 2006, 22:45:58 UTC 5 years ago

So... Why are you leaving?

[info]spaghedeity

July 14 2006, 01:27:37 UTC 5 years ago

Did you wash the hand He shook?

With all your famous connections, I bet you're gonna crack it big in the world of celebrities. I'll be there to mentor you, of course.

[info]samandsam04

July 14 2006, 19:20:49 UTC 5 years ago

And that is why I wish I lived in New York.
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