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Todd said I should've been like, "What's up, Michelle?" - A Day in the Life

Dec. 13th, 2005

11:44 am - Todd said I should've been like, "What's up, Michelle?"

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When The Boyfriend moved to NYC for grad school and left me all alone in Ohio, we made an agreement: in his absence, I was allowed to sleep with Jay Clifford–lead vocalist for Jump, Little Children–if the occasion arose. It was pretty unlikely given Jay's residence in South Carolina and, you know, his wife, but I like to keep the dream alive. In return, I granted Todd permission to sleep with either of the Olsen twins. This was much more likely, given that Mary-Kate and Ashley are also in NYU's film program. Little did I know that I'd be the first one with a shot at getting them into bed.

See, I was working at Barnes & Noble on Sunday afternoon in the reference section. I can't really get into reference, because none of the books really excite me like they do in the fiction and art sections. When someone comes in and asks for a poetry recommendation, I can sell the hell out of some Louise Gluck. When someone asks for good photography, I can lead them straight to Ralph Eugene Meatyard. But when someone needs a good SAT prep book, I'm totally uninterested.

So I was walking past the knitting and crocheting books around 3 p.m. when I stopped in front of a girl blocking the main aisle. She was wearing a long black coat, a driving cap, and smoky black square sunglasses that consumed her entire face. I was thinking to myself how out of place she looked when she started to say, "Do you have any . . ." She wasn't looking at me but was staring off to her right, so I was like, "Is she talking to me?" I looked around to see if she had a friend nearby or something, but no one else was paying any attention to her.

I had one of my too-proud moments where I thought, "If she's not going to look at me when she speaks, then I'm going to ignore her." But just as I was about to cut down a side aisle, I recognised her: an Olsen twin. I loved that my first thought was, "Thank God I look cute today," as if she was going to be all, "Girl, you can work a Target skirt like no one I've ever seen. I'm making you my personal stylist so I can stop going out in public looking like this:"

Image hosted by Photobucket.com


Instead, she asked, "Do you have any books on gardening?" I showed her to the right section and asked if she was looking for anything specific. She said she wanted something on indoor plants, and I told her that I was way too new to have any idea where to find that, but after scouring the section for 3.7 seconds, I found a couple of shelves labeled "Indoor". I told her I'd be around if she needed any more help and left her alone in the aisle, where she looked through all of the hardcover books and neatly put everything back where she found it. Not that I was spying on her or anything.

What struck me is that she didn't look like a whore at all. She wasn't wearing too much eye make-up or too little clothing. She wasn't making fake pouty faces, and there wasn't an entourage following her around. And most shockingly, she looked like a totally normal weight. Of course, I can't be sure, because we didn't get naked together or anything.

I definitely asked if we could, though.

Comments:

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From:antonstrout
Date:December 13th, 2005 04:49 pm (UTC)
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They frequent this bar by where I work. Someday I will have to smother them. So you and Todd better fuck them quick!
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From:queenkatieett
Date:December 13th, 2005 05:49 pm (UTC)
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Hey, hey, whoa. I said they're NOT whores. We will not FUCK them.

We will dress them up in baby doll clothes and make LUV to them sweetly.
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From:biw
Date:December 13th, 2005 04:55 pm (UTC)
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Thatta girl!

See? It's not that difficult to throw in a little fiction into your non-fiction story, is it? I'm assuming that you did not ask Ms Olsen if she would get naked with you ... but i love that you wrote that.

I haven't had too many brushes with celebrity -- i have very little interest in it, actually. But i'd like to think that people who live such public lives are still normal people and it seems to me that you've been lucky enough to discover this about one particular non-specific Olsen twin.

I also have a bit of a fantasy that a nice 30-something actress or rock star or something will come to Kelowna to "get away from it all" for a few days, and that she'll get in my taxi at the airport, and by the time we get to her hotel we'll have become fast friends. Then she'll come back again a month later and call me to pick her up, and then we'll go out to dinner or a movie or something. And before i know it, i've got a sponsor -- a sugar-momma! Ahhh yes ... that would be suh-weet!
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From:queenkatieett
Date:December 13th, 2005 06:02 pm (UTC)
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In this one particular case, fiction was more interesting than non-fiction. Never again, though.

I always say that I'm not interested in celebrities, but when I meet one, I still want to tell everyone I know. Maybe I only like meeting them because everyone else is so interested in it. It's a status symbol or something. I live in New York City. I meet famous people. I never say anything cool to them. Please accept me and give me your approval!!!

I have no problem admitting that I think meeting rock stars is cool, because they have talent and make songs that make me feel in love. If the world was right, I'd be much more excited about meeting Sophia Coppola than Scarlett Johansen.

Your fantasy sounds very Notting Hill to me. Not that I've ever seen that cheesysappywonderful movie.
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From:cassiacat
Date:December 14th, 2005 12:33 am (UTC)
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You know, I used to have this fear that I was secretly fascinated with celebrities. I used to *think* I'm not, but I also used to be completely dismayed when I would run into one and discover that I was totally excited and wanted to tell the whole world.

That fear ended when I realized I get equally as excited when I run into long-lost friends, or even non-famous people that I simply recognize from somewhere. Examples: When I drove from Austin to Georgia to see Jump for the first time, I saw Anne's face in the crowd and got retardedly excited, along the lines of: "Yes! I recognize that face in this crowd of strangers! OMG, I want to tell the whole world that I recognize someone here!" Or, when I ran into my long-lost friend, Chris, at SXSW, and had to blather on and on about it in my SXSW journal because, "OMG, I haven't seen him in years and years and then I just bumped into him at Emo's! Like, ohmagod, COOL!"

I've come to the conclusion that it has nothing to do with fame, and I actually couldn't care less that someone is famous. It has everything to do with finding some small piece of familiarity in this cold, cold world.

Musicians, however, are a different story: if I'm a fan of your band and I see you on the street, I will cream my panties.
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From:queenkatieett
Date:December 14th, 2005 12:31 pm (UTC)
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Maybe that's why I crave Applebee's's buffalo wings all of the time. Cold, cold world. Warm, friendly buffalo.

I used to feel that same way at Dock Street. Especially my first year. Michael Roberts kept pointing out people I only knew by name, and I felt like I was seeing a hundred celebrities all at once. Only when I told my friends, no one was impressed in the least.

Speaking of which, there's plenty of room in our hotel for you this year. Come.

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From:ripper82
Date:December 13th, 2005 04:59 pm (UTC)
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You mean, not like this?
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From:queenkatieett
Date:December 13th, 2005 06:13 pm (UTC)
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I really do love them and want to touch their littletinyboobies.

Now I'm going to have to make this Friends Only so they don't accidentally read that one day. 'Cause you know they Google themselves nonstop.
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From:ripper82
Date:December 13th, 2005 07:53 pm (UTC)
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I wonder if their bedroom walls are papered with Full House posters.
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From:queenkatieett
Date:December 13th, 2005 09:53 pm (UTC)
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And paraphernalia from the What Would Uncle Jesse Do? website.
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From:comix08
Date:December 13th, 2005 06:18 pm (UTC)
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You post this and Entertainment Weekly posts a notice about People magazine's top 10 style moments, which includes this. Great fun.
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From:queenkatieett
Date:December 13th, 2005 07:03 pm (UTC)
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Next thing you know, Entertainment Weekly'll be changing its name to Vaginal Ooze and printing articles about sea. and buttsex every day.

You may know pop culture, but I am pop culture.
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From:moths
Date:December 13th, 2005 07:28 pm (UTC)

I am legion

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from the link above: 4. MARY-KATE'S DUMPSTER DRESSING
Barely visible under oversize layers, the multimillionaire teen inspired legions of urban hipsters to buy into the bag-lady look.


even though I'm on the fringes of the urban hipster scene in columbus, I have yet to see anyone sporting an outfit like MKAO's. I also have to point out the unfortunate verb choice of "inspired". although, just once in my imaginary perfect world, I could be sitting at st. james in my diesel's and my neighborhoodie, discussing MKAO with legions, nay, hordes of inspired young women all dressed like a homeless gypsy.
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From:ceolnamara
Date:December 13th, 2005 06:20 pm (UTC)
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hmm, you've cut my six degrees of separation to one...
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From:queenkatieett
Date:December 13th, 2005 07:04 pm (UTC)
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Quick! How many degrees are you from Matthew Lawrence?
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From:ceolnamara
Date:December 13th, 2005 07:25 pm (UTC)
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No clue, but I'm two degrees from John Paul II.
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From:queenkatieett
Date:December 13th, 2005 09:36 pm (UTC)
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Who is actually a close relative of Matthew Lawrence. You win.
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From:5thguy
Date:December 13th, 2005 10:35 pm (UTC)
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That is so ironic... It must have been Mary Kate because I saw Ashley at the McDonald's in South Bloomfield today. Who says the B-list doesn't come to the Greater Pickaway County area?
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From:queenkatieett
Date:December 14th, 2005 11:51 am (UTC)
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Between the Wal*Mart, the Dairy Diamond, and the new Bob Evans, it's pretty hard to keep away.
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From:welfy
Date:December 13th, 2005 11:36 pm (UTC)

Sorry, I had to.

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That's so cute that she wanted to know about indoor gardening. Unless, it was, you know...that kind of indoor gardenin', with the heat lamps hidden in the closet, if ya know what I mean...

Anytime I run into people I went to high-school or college with, the first thing I think is, "Thank God I look cute today." But usually, it's a time when I didn't shower and I look like a washed-out hobo.

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From:queenkatieett
Date:December 14th, 2005 11:56 am (UTC)

Re: Sorry, I had to.

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Actually, the marijuana grower's guide is in that section. Though I'm sure that when you buy it, there's some sort of device attached to it that alerts the feds to come knock on your door.

So what you're saying is that you're so damn cute that even an unshowered hobo you is cuter than all of your friends.
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From:love_thief
Date:December 13th, 2005 11:47 pm (UTC)
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Was it the fat Olsen twin? I bet it was the fat one.
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From:queenkatieett
Date:December 14th, 2005 11:57 am (UTC)
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Maybe that's why she didn't want to get naked with me. She was embarrassed of her horribly obese body.
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From:bloobirdie
Date:December 14th, 2005 12:21 am (UTC)
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I live vicariously through you.

But you knew that.

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From:queenkatieett
Date:December 14th, 2005 11:59 am (UTC)
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The interesting thing is that I live vicariously through you, too, for the exact opposite reasons.
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From:pygmalism
Date:December 14th, 2005 03:50 am (UTC)
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this will impress my college friends, all of whom inexplicably love full house and disney channel movies.
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From:queenkatieett
Date:December 14th, 2005 12:02 pm (UTC)
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Evidently you haven't seen Disney's Confessions of a Teenage Dram Queen. Lindsay Lohan in a little sequined dress will explain everything.
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From:soopageek
Date:December 14th, 2005 04:33 am (UTC)
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I saw the Olsen twins in New York once... fall of 2003.

They were shooting a scene for that movie New York Minute they were in, in front of the Flatiron Building.



They sure were small. I don't get where people think they're hot, though.

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From:queenkatieett
Date:December 14th, 2005 11:43 am (UTC)
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That's why we think they're hot. They haven't gotten bigger, just sluttier. And we're all secretly pedophiles.
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From:spaghedeity
Date:December 14th, 2005 10:13 pm (UTC)
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Like, they're totally fugly sluts. I'm, like, so gonna DMY myself.


Who can compete with twins ?
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From:queenkatieett
Date:December 16th, 2005 03:19 pm (UTC)
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I can't believe you just said fugly!

You used to be such a nice boy.
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